Pretense and Subtlety

      A short note on the delicacy of conversation. Your words truly express who you are and where your heart is. " Out of the heart the mouth speaks".

       I, personally, don't do subtlety very well. Not because I couldn't, but because I see it as a way to manipulate people and conversation. I also see it as cowardice. Simply put, if I believe something to be true I should be courageous enough to say so, regardless of the effect it may, or may not have, upon the hearer. I strive to be free from pretense. Pretense is really hiding behind a facade. Pretending you agree, pretending you are something you are not. If you feel the need to do that, I should say that you should re-examine what is really in your heart. I honestly quite despise this particular character trait in people. And I highly prize people who aren't pretentious, and have no need of subtlety.

       If you believe something, then believe it enough to openly state it come what may, because you believe it to be true. Because I think this way.( i.e Logically). You never have to "read between the lines" with me. I say exactly what I mean, and I mean what I say. Some people love this about me! Others... of the pretentious kind... don't ususally stick around very long. Also, I do not communicate well with people of the more subtle variety. Because, quite honestly, it is alot of work, and I have a hard time respecting them much. If I have to ferret out your honest opinion, and pry a definitive statement from you, then honestly it wasn't worth it. Because either A. You dont have a solid opinion on the matter, one that is thought out and helpful. Or B. You don't believe your opinion enough to state it outright. Both of which undermine any contribution you might have had.

      Sometimes I am purposefully candid. Because I almost feel as though I have a barometer that takes in how much artifice is in a conversation or group discussion. I am not purposefully trying to be disruptive. I simply can only take so much of it .. before I feel the need to just speak about the matter openly, decisively, honestly. I hold my tongue quite a bit actually. But I always ask myself... is it out of politeness? Or is it fear? Pretense is really just fear behind a mask of politeness. If I had a dollar for everytime someone says something about my "personal convictions" I might be rich. But all the people I love most are those whom I know speak honestly, about their hearts, about their lives, about their thoughts. I have more respect for someone I completely disagree with, but is candid and intelligent, than I do for a host of polite, agreeable, acquaintances who never truly say what they believe. Who secretly, quietly, judge you without a single word of dispute, or ever give you the opportunity to defend any misconceptions they have formed. So speak up! Be brave and say what you believe. If you don't really believe it, then by all means ... hold your tongue.

Safety is not for sale

            I love music, though not gifted with any musical abilities, I enjoy surrounding myself and the children with it and singing out of tune often. I figure God made me, on purpose, and wasn't looking the other way when He didn't give me an amazing voice. Maybe it was to have a greater appreciation for those who do (like a beloved friend of mine), or maybe to inspire other out of tuners to lift up their voices anyhow, " Make a joyful noise!".  So I joyful noise I do make!

It is always the lyrics that make or break a song for me though. J.J Hellers "In the end" is a favorite of mine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-w4KLSEJUs

             This a great song for this time in my life. My husband is working and planning and everyday I feel one day closer to the move. I feel like a pioneer, although I can be sure of running water and electricity in Hawaii, and I am not exactly going to homestead, I am leaving behind my life here. All of my belongings (except a few boxes I can ship UPS of pictures and memorabilia.. and my Bunn!) are being sold. I am leaving the best friends I have ever had and a wonderful church that I feel I belong in. My children have never even flown on a plane! Or been out of Alaska for that matter.

            A million fears and worries crowd my mind. Will I be lonely? Will the bugs drive me crazy?! Am I crazy to leave our comfortable, prosperous life here? My husband has a good job. We have nice cars. We have a big house. I have a yard and a deck. A good neighborhood. I like all my furniture and went through alot of time and trouble picking it out! It IS beautiful here. And safe. We have put roots down here, Alaska and the people I love here will always be in my heart. And I hope we have lots of house guests!

           It isn't so much about living "in paradise". But living the lifestyle I now desire. Simplicity. More time. Less stuff. Smaller house, more family time. Enjoying the creation year round. Learning new things, like surfing (for the children..C'mon now, you know I am NOT coordinated enough for that!) and the Ukulele. It's about warm days spent under the sun, and sandcastles, the small community, and slow pace.

 "Safety is not for sale....You cannot buy peace of mind...earthly defenses fail... there is nothing new under the sky... build your Kingdom all your life..and say goodbye".

            It is a risk.  A big one. But I only have one life. I want to live it, in color, turned up as far as it will go. Bright and beautiful, peaceful. I felt so at home there, as though I already belonged. I am an island girl. I pray, and I wonder if this strong desire to go is because it IS God's will. Maybe it's a result of the long dark winters here. I believe that God gives you certain desires for a reason and maybe He has plans for me there. I am excited and afraid. I feel confident though. As though it is right. I know it will not be a big, long vacation. I don't expect that. I know there are downsides. But the same is true for everywhere. I know lots of people will think I am crazy. I know lots of people think we are foolish. But. Just maybe ... maybe its staying "safe" that is foolish. Maybe it's spending a lifetime working 9-5 to build your empire that is foolish. Maybe it is all Vanity. Maybe we will die in an earthquake or a hurricane or a giant tsunami. Maybe I'll get bitten by a poisonous spider and die a long, painful death. Death by spider. Ewwwww.! Maybe we will come back in a year, when our lease is up, and live in our house, and everyone will say "Told you so". That is Okay. Pride is vanity. And I am not building an empire. And Safety is not for sale." In the end", after my death by hurricane/tsunami/volcano/earthquake/spider. I'll be with Jesus and I will be the one to say "Told ya so".